"Astrology" as some may say, is not this or that, it ain't real, it ain't factual etc. etc. etc. Well it carries my faith in something other than the order of a religious group's beliefs. Maybe it's hope, maybe it's motivation, maybe it's maybelline. All in all, the same forces within you, your neighbor and myself, that propel us to do things that we FEEL are needed, are the forces that make me enjoy reading (into) horoscopes. but that's not what this blurb is about =)
All this to say, December promised to be a revelatory month for me, specifically due to my star chart, but also as a Gemini, and a Manny. Many uncertainties, doubts, and fears would clarify themselves and allow me to move forward, notably into the new year, with a new refreshed sense of ... well confidence… as I’ve come to understand.
Confidence is sexy as fuck. I'd say.
Knowing that I would come out of this horrendous year (I feel like I have been saying this for the last 16 years.) with some sliver of hope for the future. Well, it gave me some hope, some motivation, something to look forward to and with. Something within me that kept me going. Of course, external forces and people had already been heavily influencing my last six months. However, this was an introspective period. A moment in my life of heavy healing and even heavier learning. A grounding of sorts, a full circle moment, and a euphoric summer… or the other way around =)
There's something about being excited about creating and disturbing and creating and disturbing. Creation can be disturbing before, during and after the process. Seemingly what pushed me to continue. This push and pull was tiring. Since September, there's been nothing but this hefty ebb and flow. Heck, the whole year's been testing me.
If you’ve made it up to this point, thank you. I have said everything and nothing at all.
So why has December been so feverishly anticipated?
For me, there have been many reasons. I opened a can of worms in my relationship and my horoscope told me not to make any brash decisions before December 😳 specifically about my relationship(s) - friends, colleagues, my husband etc . I was co directing a project that ended a week ago (Dec. 13th at Kaaistudios), and I had been working on the program for over half a year now. I landed a writing fellowship that pushed me to structure some of my writing (part of that full circle moment I mentioned above), the same fellowship flew me to New York earlier this month and through that I developed parts of a novel I have been writing for a long time. I never thought I would actually write this novel. Now all I can think about is, where I can find opportunities that will pay me to write it?
December was/is a culminating point in my 30’s, part of the beginning of a new 7 year cycle, with many endings and many new beginnings. New projects, new friendships, new motivations, a clear idea of what I want to do with my work..
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New York and the Write It Out! programme
The 10 week workshop provides a space for people living with HIV to tell their stories, share and hold space for each other, and to teach the participants the art of play writing. I was one of the lucky people selected to participate. I have had experience as an actor, on stage, reading other people’s plays. I have been writing a novel, so narrative and descriptive creative writing is my jam. However, these two aspects of my lived experience did not prepare me for the RIGOROUS process of playwriting and handing off the script to collaborating actors and directors! We learned the art of dialogue, and psychology of character development, the relationship between the script, actor, director and audience. My head is spinning just thinking of this. Collaborating with actors and a director is a completely different beast in and of itself. Let me tell you.
We were invited, flown out, and presented in New York as playwrights. I’m a playwright. I saw my play be read on stage with two magnificently talented actors (Futaba and Carmen photographed below ) directed by an astounding and fierce director (Rula!). I met the 2024 cohort, made another group of fabulous friends, we laughed, cried and danced together. It’s been wild, and this was only the beginning of the month.
There’s been few moments in life when I could say I truly felt like I belonged. There’s no cheesy story here, I mean it’s as simple as talking to someone about the medication we take. What habits our status has made us develop, how it has shaped our last number of years, how similarly we have navigated our relationships, our health, our creativity. If you would have told me, 11 years ago, that I would find my kin after contracting HIV, I would have laughed at you, thrown condoms at your face and ran the other way.
This summer’s assembly, the Aids Archives and Arts Assemblies in Belgium project, and the Write it Out! programme has taught me exactly that. I found my family. Community community community.
For me it’s all about community. Coming together, sharing space, holding space, lol, sharing moments of creation and vulnerability.
December 13th at the Kaai Studios in Brussels
Well this night was a rocky night to program, but it got done, I am happy with the process. I stood my ground on some decisions that were questioned. Whether to split the audience by race or not, whether I should invite a negative artist and why, whether I should take up space, and do things as I imagined them. These were difficult decisions for me, I’m giggling to myself now, but looking back, these were tough moments. Confrontational yet constructive moments.
My patience was put to the test and my anger and joy were invited to conversations both by institutions and close friends. The Friday night event served as an opening rather than a closing. We had celebrated the end of projects, mourning and what isn’t governable in September. This moment in time, for me, closed out the aids archives project. Our December event was an attempt to end the two years of this project with a fresh perspective, a clear view towards new objectives. At least it was for me.
I went to look for the radio emission we were invited for the Thursday before the event. I found myself listening to it in tears. The end of the project was a slow burn, a delayed release capsule if you will. We discussed the program of our last public event while also contextualizing the night within the project. It was quite magical.
Talk From Homografía S05 #36 End of (2024) Diffusion Wednesday 11 Dec 2024 à 19:00
After this evening, I have nothing to do until the new year. Except a few applications to start, to hand in, to find.
After talking with someone I realized a very important detail I had been ignoring, not seeing, simply not understanding about my lived experience in the last 11 years. I had been longing to go back to the Manny I was in my early 20s. I knew I was the most unapologetic during these years. I know it was the freest I had ever felt. I know I was the happiest I had ever been. I wanted so badly to go back to those times. Life was by no means any easier than it is today.
Cold moon full circle
The full circle (like the cold moon) occurred when I realized that I had been on a slow burn back into these feelings and understanding what had happened in between my mid 20s and now. There was a moment of extreme rebellion after which I was diagnosed with HIV at 25. All hope of being the perfect citizen, the perfect immigrant child was lost. This obsession with perfection was fueled by guilt.
Thinking back, this muddied any efforts for growth. I was going from job to job, without any hope of stability in the US, fiddling with the medical system as an illegal immigrant looking for free HIV meds, just as depressive as it sounds. Job to job. Saying fuck it I’m going to BUY a master’s degree. Pay it myself because my family can’t help, they’ve already helped with my bachelors, dad said that’s all he could afford. Now work to pay for school, work school, no art in my life for at least 3 years preparing for and going through a masters degree in Urban planning and policy. Well I did that.
Met a wonderful man in 2012, just a few months before I was diagnosed, the light at the end of this tunnel. The first person I ever confided this information to. He’s been there ever since. So after my master’s, a day after graduation, moving to Brussels with him was a no brainer. Leaving behind 28 years of friends, family, anchored roots, and my beloved Chicago. Moving 6,664.96 km away, to a new world. A new language. A new political environment. A new city, a new (continued) life. Boy was that hard. We’re only in the middle of this 11 year period.
Friends in Brussels have been encouraging, almost applauding my courage, my achievements. Sure, I’ve gone through a lot, but that’s life no? Everyone goes through a lot, in their own way right? Sure. No big deal.
But then I start writing about it, talking about it. Letting it out, exploring those hidden feelings. Learning what those are, why they’re being felt. Sometimes accepting there’s no explanation. Crying crying and crying. It feels good. Anyway, there’s many layers that have been she, and that is thanks to the work I have been sharing, ART once again has saved my life. I’ve been the happiest I have ever been in years. It’s been at least five, I have been more vocal about my HIV status. It has been liberating. I only hope to share this with more people, and hope that they too can find some freedom within themselves, but more importantly with a community. This would have never happened if I had not found my communities.
Rest is needed, Rest is coming, and Rest will be enjoyed.
singing off.
Lots of love.
Emmanuel
PS: If December was a human I would sing this to them:
Boy I know you know, I said, I say I know you know
That you make me emotional, fill my heart, body, and soul
It's the push and pull, please explain just how you know
How to make me so vulnerable, this love is a roller coaster
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